I can't even begin to describe how much the end of 2017 left me feeling hopeless, and disappointed. I was disappointed in myself over the fact it was a tough year for my business, and when Tyrza was diagnosed with Lymphoma, I fell into a little depressed hole for the better half of December. By the time January came around, I hadn't even written goals for myself or for my business. There was a small period I sort of just neglected work, and wanted to lay in bed all day because I couldn't begin to fathom what life would look like without my girl laying by my side all day. I started missing Tyrza even before she was gone.
After Frank and I took Tyrza to the beach for her first--and last--time, something hit me, and I suddenly felt more ready than I've ever been to turn my life around. To work toward a bigger goal in my business, to be the best caretaker I could be, and to give Tyrza the BEST last few weeks she could ever have.
I FEEL SO ALIVE!
For some reason, whatever it was that hit me makes me feel empowered and driven, and now, despite our circumstances, I just feel it in my heart that 2018 is going to be one of the best years yet for me and Frank.
It's hard to explain, but I've surrendered my desires, my heartache, my life. I'm learning to trust God with all that is in me, and I'm learning to appreciate the collateral beauty.
There's a song I've fallen in love with called "In Over My Head" by Jenn Johnson. The words to the song are some I've been clinging onto with my entire heart since Tyrza's diagnosis:
..."I have come to this place in my life; I'm full but I'm not satisfied; this longing to have more of you."
..."I'm thirsty, my soul can't be quenched; you already know this but still come and do whatever you want to"
..."would you take me back to the place where my heart was only about you and all I wanted was just to be with you...come do whatever you want to"
......"further and further my heart moves away from the shore; whatever it looks like, whatever may come I am yours"
Here's to you, 2018.
"Yet you, Lord, are our Father. We are the clay and you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand."